I am not ok, alright, I’ll admit that sounds a little dramatic. Please don’t start ringing the phone tree to check on me. Remember how I always say I try to keep it very honest here on my blog? What’s the use of telling you everything is great here when, in fact, it is not? Well, today we’ll stick with that theme.
Over the last several weeks, I haven’t really felt like myself, and the thing is, the people here I am closest to realize it. Several have asked what we can do, but the truth is, there isn’t anything they can do. I can’t even really explain why I feel the way I do. But the overwhelming feeling of loneliness has taken over. Even in a room full of people who I know love me, I can still feel alone. You know how I know they love me, because every day they still show up for me with grace, love, and understanding, knowing that I’m walking through something, expressing concern, and calling me out of it.
I also think I have recently been struggling with feeling like perfection is expected of me, both in my role with our ministry and in my personal life. The reality is that I’m acutely aware that I can’t obtain it, and usually don’t want to. But then I start thinking about what other people might think of me if I can’t obtain or live up to the expectations they have for me.
I think it goes without saying, but I’m aware that I’m never truly alone, that the Holy Spirit is always with me, and at the exact same time, I can still feel how I do. I also think it’s important to mention that I have struggled with this at different points in my life. I can remember feeling this way the most in middle and high school. I’m also aware that Jesus doesn’t ask any of us for perfection, but sometimes when I feel like everyone else wants perfection, it can turn from a worldly expectation to a personal one for my life.
We have had some really great teams here over the last month, helping keep me moving through the days. We hosted Smile Outreach International. Dr. Mark, Dr. Allen, and Cayde treated nearly 200 patients over 4 days at the clinic. This was their first time here with SRI, and we are looking forward to continuing to work with them! We hosted a team from Utah Health Scholars who are always full of energy and willing to serve in whatever way we need. Last week, we had a team from Ohio Northern University (Go Polar Bears). This team is always a mix of returning team members and new students, but they are always willing to serve however we need! This team helped start the move into the new pharmacy. It’s starting to come together, and while we have a few more things to accomplish, I’m hoping that we will be ready to go for our next barrio team returning in August!
I celebrated my 36th birthday this month. Katelyn and the Powers hosted a birthday party for me, complete with a homemade lime cake and blueberry cheesecake! We attempted a girls’ beach day, but it rained all day. We still made the best of it and had fun! Bianca surprised me with beautiful flowers and treated me to lunch & Hilda spoiled me with cookies that I had been talking about trying.
Bianca and I took a trip back to Ocoa to return the chairs we borrowed, but more importantly, to spend more time with Sister Teo. We had lunch, and when I tried to go pay, she was at my side in a flash, using her card. I’ll have to find a way to repay her for all her kindness. We are hoping to make a trip back to Ocoa in July to see the dental team and spend more time with her. On the way home, we stopped by a garden center, and I adopted some more plants. I say more because I acquired plants from a friend who is moving. Some people feel like I have reached my limit for plants; I disagree. I spent the next day putting them all in new pots and dirt and praying they wouldn’t die. If you are a plant person, you know you always lose a few, so far the odds are in my favor. I finished my free week with a trip to Santo Domingo with Kate and Peanut. We ran some errands while Peanut visited the vet, and I decided I would like to paint my apartment, so hopefully I’ll get that done in the next week or so.
The next several weeks with teams are VBS and construction teams, so while that allows some time to get the pharmacy ready, it’s really just a different type of busy.
One thing I have also been reflecting on lately is what brought me to mission work and serving with Solid Rock. Sometimes when I’m talking to people, I refer to myself as a cruise ship director, the person making all the decisions, and that has to have all the answers. Then I realize one thing I really miss is being able to serve in whatever way someone asks, without having to be the one to manage the problem and find a solution. For this reason, I am considering joining Smile Outreach for a trip to Fiji this fall, but I’m not sure it will be financially feasible.
Speaking of finances, I’m also trying to raise a little more monthly support for being in San Juan. I have sadly lost a few sponsors over the last year, and I need to raise a little more monthly support to extend my time here serving with Solid Rock. For now, my plan is to extend my time here for another year, but my financial support may affect that decision. And I’ll be honest, asking people for financial support is one of the hardest things to do.
I restarted those Spanish lessons! I only have a few hours left before my hours expire, and then I will have to decide whether to purchase more. It has been good to be back in lessons.
My sister is doing really well in her treatments! She has finished her four more intense treatments and will start her next 12 weeks of treatment in June. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray for her during this time!
We are heading to the beach next week with our staff for staff appreciation. I know you all know it, but our staff is really the best! I’m looking forward to spending a day with all of them, having a little fun.
Pray Requests:
– My sister, as she continues with treatment
– For the current season of loneliness to pass
– Financial provision for staying in San Juan & possible trip to Fiji
– Peace & Clarity in extending my time
– Development/Organizing ICU training
– Moments of rest
