We’ve sown in tears. We will reap in joy.
Lyrics from a song we sang in the echoes of a beautiful old stone chapel in Italy pierced my heart as if the Lord himself was standing before me, looking me in the eyes and saying, “Take heart. What you sow in tears, you will reap in joy.” I kept repeating those lyrics over and over during my time at the retreat in Tuscany back in April. Psalm 126:5-6 says, “Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy carrying his sheaves.”
Joy is something that had been extremely scarce for me in a season that lasted about year and a half. And the worst part is that I wanted it so badly. I used to be filled with it. I knew exactly how it felt, but in this particular season it just seemed so out of reach amidst the circumstances I was walking through.
Before my retreat, I did a Lenten study with some friends from back home. One of them encouraged me to pray Psalm 51:12, “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.” And I had been praying that prayer relentlessly as the season of spiritual dryness had also sucked me dry of my gratitude of what the Lord has done, my passion to share Jesus with others, and the excitement of seeing Him move around me.
This season was marked by a crushed spirit, bitterness, confusion, and many many tears. I cried out to God while simultaneously questioning whether He really heard me, whether He really cared, and whether I could truly trust Him to bring the chaos around me into order.
A couple months ago, I wrote a blog about how I could feel the changing of the season of my heart just as I could feel the change in the air here. Today, before my eyes, I’m seeing this season begin to bud. As I’m writing this my eyes are welling up with tears of joy and gratitude for what the Lord has done and is doing in me here.
Since the retreat, I have made it a goal to implement at least one day of solitude time a month in which I go to the dam about 40 minutes away in the mountains of Sabaneta and just relish in God’s beautiful creation, sit in peace, read His Word, pray, and listen. This has been such a beautiful practice for me and I’m thankful to have a place I can quickly retreat to on a Saturday. I’ve also begun to meet with a spiritual director through Barnabas International which has been such a blessing. We process through what I’m feeling and experiencing and hold it up to the Word of God. We process together what the Lord may be teaching me through it all.
Today my prayer is Psalm 116:7, “Let my soul be at rest again for the Lord has been good to me.” Coming out of a season of survival mode isn’t easy even when the “threats” and stresses are no longer there as they once were. It seems to alter your brain chemistry, and you have to retrain yourself to live in a healthy way again. And that’s not a switch you can just flip.
Adding Hannah and Alejandro to our team has been the answer to my many prayers (and I’m sure the prayers of many others). Within the first week of them coming on staff, I told Hannah that it was like I could breathe for the first time in a long time, but that before then I didn’t know I wasn’t breathing. They are incredible leaders and I know that they will be a great blessing both to me personally and to our team. I’m excited to see how this season blossoms under their leadership!
I recently reread a day from my Daily Grace Co. study of John called Come and See: An Invitation to Know and Trust Jesus More Than Ever Before. This particular day was about Jesus healing the blind man in John 9 and it hit me in a new way now that I’m entering into a new and healthier season. That day’s study ends with a powerful reminder that we may never know why the Lord allows us to suffer in certain ways, but that we can trust that in the end, it always works for our good and His glory. It explains that His glory can be revealed in our deliverance from the circumstances or through the strength He gives us to endure them. Either way, our hope doesn’t rest in having all the answers or even understanding our circumstances. Our hope rests in our all-knowing, all-powerful God, who can take both the best and the worst of circumstances and use them for His glory. Looking back, I can clearly see that it was only by God’s grace and strength that I made it through. No matter how many times I contemplated just giving up on what He’s called me here to because it was harder than I ever imagined, I felt His tender whisper reminding me to just trust and wait, that He had it all worked out. Although I don’t fully know what the specific purpose of that season was (other than for His glory to be shown in a way I’m not yet sure of), I’m so grateful to recognize that I’m finally beginning to reap the joy that I sowed in tears. He never left me or gave up on me when my faith was dry and weak.
It’s an incredible feeling to look back on an extremely difficult season and begin to see how the Lord was using it to deepen my reliance on Him. I feel my joy for the Lord’s salvation and what He has called me to here returning day by day. I simply have to keep praying for my soul to be at rest again instead of slipping back into the habits of survival mode whenever old triggers arise. I’m learning that when suffering comes, God doesn’t ask us to deny the weight of our pain or pretend our tears don’t exist. Perhaps that’s what Psalm 126 has been teaching me all along. God never asked me to stop weeping. He simply asked me to keep sowing. He was simply asking me to keep trusting Him enough to faithfully sow in tears, even when I couldn’t imagine how He could possibly use them for good. But he is a faithful God who brings the harvest of joy in His perfect time.
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June highlights:
- For staff appreciation we had a little getaway day! We spent the majority of the day at the beach and then went to a natural pool! I always really enjoy getting together with our staff outside of work and it was just such a fun day!
- Having Hannah and Alejandro’s kids, Aiker, Elsie, and Isaac, around the guesthouse has been so fun! They have been baking with me a little bit helping make brownies and granola!
- I was so excited that San Juan finally had a 5K! I signed up, but couldn’t get anyone to do it with me. I trained (I’m using that term very loosely) for a couple of weeks leading up to it and went by myself, but it actually turns out that there were a lot of people there that I knew and it was SO MUCH FUN! I ran it in 44 minutes, which is nothing incredible. Haha but I did beat my goal of what I wanted to run it in! So it felt really good! It wasn’t really a race, but more of a run club where everyone was so encouraging! I have continued to run here and there over the past few weeks, but nothing consistent. I hope they have more 5Ks and I hope that I can get in on a 5K next time I’m home!
- VBS has been full throttle, but it is probably my favorite time of the year! I sometimes miss teaching, but being able to spend time with youth who are oftentimes experiencing being out of the country for the first time and seeing missions through fresh eyes is such a sweet experience! We’ve hosted a couple of high school teams and one family team with some younger kids. I’m physically very tired, but my cup has definitely been filled through them!
- We’ve had a few construction teams. One served here at the guesthouse and got so much done! It was such a blessing to have them here doing things that we haven’t been able to get to lately! Our other teams have been working on a little house that Lucille Rupp has rented and needs to renovate for classrooms. They have been growing every year and need more space to give more students the opportunity to receive a Christ-centered, high-quality, consistent education. It has been amazing to see all the work that has gotten done over there over the last few weeks! Praise the Lord for space for more families to be served!
- I’ve started crocheting again and have been loving that! I’m *hoping* to make a cardigan out of the granny squares I’ve been making. It’s been a great creative outlet and is super relaxing for me!
- I was able to catch up with a friend from San Juan along and hang out with a new friend from a team in the capital last weekend! We ate some incredible Indian food and had some Sweet Frog for dessert! The next day, the team member spent the day with me going to PriceSmart (our version of Sam’s or Costco), picking up the team, and then we worked out at the Fiesta gym!
Prayer requests:
- Learning to let my soul be at rest and continuing to grow in joy
- Continue in healthy, sustainable rhythms
- Health and safety for myself and my family
- Smooth transition to a healthy, unified, strong, Christ-focused team here on the ground
- Prayers for the communities we’ve been serving in VBS and over Lucille Rupp and the work being done there
